Aftershock
by Lily Anna Evans Potter
Summary: 3.09 missing moment: After the suicide bomber's death, Jordan is haunted by her words "You don't know what it's like to lose a child and a husband...he was my best friend!" It's already been one hell of night, but between Topher giving her a shoulder to cry on and unexpected understanding of her pain from T.C, her life is one hell of a lot better than Katherine Santiago's.


**Aftershock**

Jordan Alexander was standing outside the room of her former patient, the grieving Katherine Santiago who had held onto so much rage towards the hospital for six months that she had bombed the place tonight. Even as she watched T.C and Scott's hands desperately performing chest compressions, she knew it was in vain. The stain of the crazed blonde's blood Jordan still had splattered on her cheek was a testament to how much this woman just didn't want to live anymore.

The woman's shrill voice echoed in her head, so piercing and agonizing that Jordan barely even heard T.C call time of death. _"You have no idea what it's like to lose a child! To lose a husband…he was my best friend."_ Jordan had been more than ready to sympathize with the woman because she did, in fact, know what it was like to lose those things. Not that any of that mattered now, she thought bitterly, and suddenly felt the tears burning in her eyes as she watched T.C step away from the patient with his mouth set in a grim line. She knew that look all too well; he was all set to blame himself for not seeing that this woman had been unstable enough to injure countless people tonight.

"Jordan?" Topher's voice pulled her from the haze of pain eventually, but Jordan couldn't quite bring herself to look away from the blood sprayed across Katherine Santiago's bedsheets. The sight made her feel sick with an awful combination of grief and rage, but it was still somehow easier to bear that feeling than meet Topher's exhausted gaze. He'd had one hell of a job as chief of staff tonight, and all the chaos on their hands tonight was that deceased maniac's fault. A woman with no will to live had her wish granted twenty minutes ago. But what, Jordan thought furiously to herself, gave her the right to judge another's pain? How dare she rip Jordan's barely healed emotional wounds open and then get her eternal slumber? It was all too unfair for words; a fact Topher must have realized by how she flinched when he touched her shoulder. "Jordan," he repeated firmly; "Look at me."

"Toph, I'm…fine," she protested, cursing her hesitation to get the words out. Because now he had a valid reason to give her that skeptical grimace and it was really unfortunate. "Seriously, look in the mirror before you judge me."

"Really funny, Alexander," he muttered, running one hand across his rapidly graying stubble, but keeping the other firmly on her shoulder. "I'm not judging you, silly. What that woman did is not your fault, do you hear me? It doesn't matter that she was once your patient, you couldn't change the outcome of that hit and run six months ago or how she would deal with it. Don't even think about blaming yourself for what happened tonight."

Topher Zia was known amongst the night shift staff for being everything they needed in a leader, but it was this more rare tone of his that Jordan treasured. Not raising his voice frantic to stay on top of things and prove his worthiness as chief, but the best friend of the man she still loved, soft-spoken and kind in her hour of need. "She was wrong," Jordan cried, unable to keep her voice steady any longer. "She said I don't know what it's like to lose a child, but I do!"

"Of course you do," he agreed softly, slightly stunned by the strength of her embrace as her arms wrapped around him and she clung to him like a life-line. At this hospital, he was the calm in everybody's storm, Topher realized as he stood rubbing Jordan's back gently. "Don't listen to a thing that crazy woman said, Jordan. You know exactly what she's been through and you've dealt with it a hell of a lot more graciously than she did." Jordan had taken patients' deaths hard before, but something besides the fact that she had tried to kill them all was different about Katherine Santiago. That much was clear when words he had intended to be comforting made Jordan cling harder, whimpering as if she was suppressing unspeakable pain. When Topher returned the clingy hug, it was as if his arms were the only thing holding her together. The crazy bomber had ended her own pain but somehow shattered Jordan's heart in the process. "Do you want to take off early?" he asked, at a loss for what to say to her in this state. "No matter how bad I look, it can't possibly be worse than you right now."

Jordan barely heard him as her mind raced with the patients' screams of pure agony in her rage and grieving state. And through all the accusations Katherine Santiago had thrown at her, the cursed bomb blast still rang in her ears, the terror clenching her heart as the chaos unraveled and affected the rest of their night. "I'll be okay," she mumbled, suddenly aware that Topher was expecting some kind of answer. "I feel like I should stay, you know? There's only like an hour left of the shift. No, I'll be fine."

"Jordan," he began, sounding infuriatingly disbelieving once more but she gave him a playful nudge with a tense smile. Convincing or not, it was the best she could do when her senses were numb to anything except the memory of T.C's arms shielding her from the debris of the explosion. Thinking of the way he had fought to keep Katherine alive more than once tonight, she knew somehow that nobody else could truly understand the turmoil she was feeling. The child she lost, the best friend he had been for over eight years through all their on and off dating, T.C was the only one she was sure she needed right now.

"Where's T?" she asked simply and could have punched Topher again for the instant smug smile.

"Now we're getting somewhere," he said triumphantly. "I think he went to change after calling time of death on that maniac; you saw how much blood there was."

"Right, of course," she sighed dejectedly, and Topher nudged her into a chair in the doctor's lounge they had somehow made their way back towards without her even noticing.

"I could really use a coffee. You want one?"

The way he said it, Jordan knew he was being nice, so this time she didn't even have to force the grateful smile. "Sure, coffee sounds great right now. Thanks, Toph."

"You got it," he said with a little wave before wandering away and leaving her to her thoughts once more.

Jordan wasn't sure how long she sat there staring into space when a warm hand squeezed her shoulder and lifted the haze of pain again. "Hey," said T.C quietly, dropping into the chair next to her with a sigh. "Topher said I might find you here."

"There must be one hell of a queue for that coffee he offered," said Jordan, keeping the conversation light to avoid letting on where her head had been going for over an hour now. "Morning rush I suppose."

"Yeah, I guess so," T.C agreed absently, massaging the back of her clenched fist with a firm thumb. "Are you okay?"

"Let's see, crazed suicide bomber accuses me of not knowing how she feels to have lost a husband and child, and then sets off a bomb containing anthrax bacteria. All in a night's work isn't it?"

"Don't do that," he protested at her humorless laugh. "We'll never know why she targeted our hospital specifically, but you don't have to pretend like you're fine."

"That's the thing, T. I know why she did it."

"You...what?"

"Yeah," said Jordan, nodding seriously; "Right before she pulled out her chest tube, she was going on about how she didn't want to live anymore. Six months ago I saved her after her husband and son died in a hit-and-run, and she's just wanted to die ever since. She blamed us for saving her life."

"That," said T.C slowly, processing the new development; "is way messed up." He fell thoughtfully silent for a moment, then frowned grimly again. "Hang on; did you say she accused you of not knowing what it feels like to lose a child?"

"And a best friend," Jordan added quaveringly. Much as she had longed for it, the expression of disbelief and sympathy in his dark eyes was almost too much for her after the crazy night they'd had.

"Oh God, that explains so much," T.C muttered, thinking about the dazed look of pure hell he'd observed on her face while he and Scott had fought to save Katherine Santiago in vain. Annie's lecture from a few weeks earlier suddenly hit him with full meaning; _"She lost a child, T.C…she lost you,"_ and all he could do was stare at Jordan biting furiously on her quivering lips to keep from falling apart. "Come here," he urged, ignoring the confused look she gave him as he stood up and dragged her over to her locker. In front of it, he lowered himself to the ground and patted the space beside him.

"What are you doing, T?" she asked half-heartedly, although it was difficult to complain when he pressed her head against his shoulder. Countless shifts over the years had ended like this for them, the hours of chaos drawing to a close with exhausted cuddles on the locker room floor.

"What we've always done," he said simply. "You know, Annie said to me a couple of weeks ago that I wasn't considerate enough of what you've been through and that's why we…broke up. I was mad at her for it at the time, but looking back I think she was right. You lost a child, Jordan, but you didn't lose your best friend, okay? Assuming it's me, of course," he laughed to lighten the mood.

"We lost a child," she corrected him, cuddling as close to him as she could. "Of course it's you, you moron. Through all the tours of duty and the recklessness and stubborn hot-headedness, it's always been you."

"I'm sorry for not being more understanding," he said softly, trailing his fingers through her hair. "You know I'll always be here for you, right? Through every on and off of our dating life, I'll be your friend for as long as you'll have me. You might have to fight Topher for the best friend crown, though."

"He doesn't stand a chance," she said, the words muffled as her head pressed against his chest and the sheer warmth of his arm around her kept the echoes of what Katherine Santiago had screamed at her at bay. A miserable woman had wreaked havoc on their shift tonight and had her wish to die granted, but Jordan would not give up the love she felt right now for any pain she had suffered. "I missed you, T."

"I'm right here," he said again, willing the surge of exhausted night shift staff to stay out of their way just a little while longer. "And I always will be, I promise."

 **A / N My first Night Shift fic, short and sweet. This episode triggered more feels than usual so just enjoy, these two are so pretty xx**


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